Respite from reality

 

My next chemo cycle starts this Friday. I have six cycles of FEC which sounds like some sort of mucous you would cough up during a particularly bad chest infection.

In actual fact it's an acronym for the cocktail of three drugs which my lovely oncologist has informed me will not result in the sort of severe allergic reaction I had when I had my first chemo round....oh that would be the one I haven't been able to write about here because it was so traumatic!

Imagine someone going into anaphylactic shock and that about covers it! Suffice to say that the drug that caused this reaction is not one I will be having. To add to my "special" status I also managed to have a reaction to the anti nausea medication (Maxalon) which resulted in something akin to lock jaw and a bad sense of vertigo which when combined with the buzz from all the steroids they had to pump into me made me truly want to euthanise myself pronto.

I was bedridden for five days and then improved daily the point that I was feeling dreadfully guilty (once again) for all the assistance I'm receiving with the KATs....imposter syndrome persists even when I'm legitimately unwell....I still feel like a faker...not "sick" enough...undeserving of all the terribly nice things people are doing and saying to me.

My poor KATs are naturally finding this roller coaster ride a tad tiresome and I thought they deserved a break from reality just as much as Saint Mike and I do! So a few days away have been the order of the day.

We loaded the car up with cossies, goggles, bikes and the minimum amount of clothing and drove a few hours north of Sydney to the calm and tranquility of a beachside holiday park. We have been here before years ago so I knew it was the antidote to our malady. Four days later I'm typing this as the KATs frolic in the pool....their last swim before they jump into the already loaded car for the return trip to our unwanted reality.

Oldest KAT tearfully proclaimed that it has been the best holiday she's ever had because she could forget that I'm sick and no one has asked her how her mum is. Truthfully I don't look sick (my hair is yet to fall out...cue more imposter syndrome) and I too have been lulled into feelings of "normal"....my heart breaks that we cannot remain in this state of blissful ignorance.

They have ridden their bikes with gay abandon, furtively admired cute boys around the park and frolicked like dolphins in the pool. I'm already plotting to return in early December to give them (and me) a much-needed booster shot before chemo round 5 on Dec 20....this time with our hard-working daddy along for the whole time!

The image I've used in this post is a mosaic garden tile that I made with Middle KAT....that was my week 2 project....I exhausted myself lifting three such concrete pavers and have been sternly instructed by my oncologist and Saint Mike to undertake less taxing creative distractions during chemo...passing out isn't a good look!

So we don our Indiana hat and march on relentlessly towards the other side of this horrible abyss....wish me luck for my mucous-like FEC regime:)

 

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Wearing Indiana's Hat

In my last post I mentioned that Middle KAT and I had been workshopping an analogy to help her cope with what's happening to me.  As you'll know if you've spent any time reading about Middle KAT, she's a bit of a visual child.

Our gorgeous girl is a bit of a movie buff.  It makes my heart sing as watching movies has always been a huge buzz for me...but it's also something that gives her a real connection with Saint Mike because she's a keen aficionado of the sorts of movies that make HIS heart sing...think completely inappropriate action/war/sci-fi/blood & guts "boy" flicks!!! 

So, where else to go for an analogy to help her understand mummy's predicament than a classic action flick....Indiana Jones!

 

 

So as I stood holding her tight whilst she cried at the shock of seeing my pixie hair, we talked about how what we were doing was a bit like what Indiana had to do when he cuts a swathe through the jungle only to come bursting out to find himself perched perilously on the wrong side of an abyss.

 

 

Every nerve ending is telling him that he should not proceed, risking life and limb on the tenacity of some dodgy rope ladder strung across this crevasse. 

 

His fight or flight instincts are engaged in a rowdy battle under his hat.

 

But he knows that he needs to get to safety across that bridge and he really has no choice....he must do the thing he least wants to do.

 

We are like Indiana Jones - we have no choice.  What's on the "other side" is the rest of our life. Our life together as a family.  This is an abyss that there's only one way to cross - surgery, chemo, more surgery and a very long stretch where mummy doesn't look like the person you know and love!

 

Middle KAT really got this analogy!  It gave her the necessary "colour and movement" and seems to have enabled her somewhere to park her feelings and that's what I wanted.

 

I'm posting this from bed recovering from the first round of chemo.  It didn't go well!  I'm barely functioning.  If I'm continuing the Indiana Jones analogy I feel like some little Aztec guy shot me with a poison dart!!!!

 

Next post I'll relate what happened.  We haven't fallen into the abyss but it was certainly calling my name a few times.

The Premeditated Chop

 

 

My first chemo cycle commences tomorrow. The countdown will thus commence until the day my hair follicles decide to head for the hills.

Never one to contemplate an idea for too long lest the opposing view gains traction I booked in for a "pre-chemo chop" with my beautiful hairdresser Rachel.

I thought chopping my hair off was a way to inoculate myself and the KATs from the shock of losing my hair completely. I hate to say it but I'm no longer convinced of the wisdom of this approach....poor Middle KAT was completely devastated when she saw my pixie cut!!!

This photo was taken a week ago at dinner to celebrate Oldest KAT turning 13!! As you can see my hair was long enough to pull back in a ponytail....not any more!

I feel okay when I look in the mirror but it's like looking at someone else. I cried when Rachel started. I cried during the cut. I cried when I left the salon and I've cried along with Middle KAT as she cried big heaving sobs. I asked her to tell me what words came into her head to describe how she's feeling:

Scared

Worried

Frightened

What to say to allay those horrible feelings? Well, when you're me you go for an analogy....next post I will share it with you:)

It will be all good. I just wish it was all good now! If I had to express how I'm feeling right now it would also be:

Scared

Worried

Frightened

Great minds think alike:)

 

Fostering resiliance in the KATs

Quote from here

Term two is in full swing in the house of KATcapers.  Oldest KAT is in year 7 and Middle KAT in Year 5 so that also means we have NAPLAN hanging over our heads.

Each time we've gone through this we get the blurb from the school reminding us that the children shouldn't feel stressed or anxious about NAPLAN. 

Heeeeelllo!  What parallel universe do these teachers live in! Oh and can I join them there!?

There's simply no getting away from this locomotive as it steams down the track towards them!! Regardless of Saint Mike and I keeping the focus off it at home, there is more than enough discussion about it amongst their peers and at school generally.

Oldest KAT is not anxious about it.  She's more concerned with the assessments she's undergoing for subjects like Science, History and Design & Technology which is all new to her!  She is going from strength to strength academically and reading, writing and arithmetic is like breathing to her.

Middle KAT on the other hand is a different kettle of fish.  Year 5 is truly turning into an emotional year for her.  She's had the usual surge of hormones (and feet growth) that signals her commencing her passage into young womanhood and this makes for an emotional time whenever any hurdle presents itself.  Unfortunately, schoolwork is a hurdle that is not getting any easier.

Her ability to focus (or lack thereof) has always been a source of worry for us.  ADHD is an acronym that we've toyed with over the years and even had her tested to see if there was anything that needed to be diagnosed.  Our concern has never been about behaviour as she's not disruptive, it's more to do with the feeling that she can lack focus and be "off with the pixies" which affects her learning.

How funny then that just when we're preparing for these weeks of high tension in our house I received an email from Allison wanting to know if I'd be interested in sharing the following information from OnlinePsychologyDegree.net:


For better or worse we're past the point of implementing this advice for toddlers and babies but I think it's got real merit in terms of the way we are trying to raise our KATs to be resilient and equipped to be emotionally mature, independent young people ready to take on the world in whatever way, shape or form their hearts and minds tell them to!

Saint Mike and I make a good team when it comes to adopting stretegies to help get the best out of our KATs.  I'm really lucky that way! For example we decided that we really needed to curb the amount of TV viewing and general screen time that's been going on in our house.  This chart talks about it for babies but it's soooo much harder when they can verbally complain about the no TV or games during the school week!!!

I'd love to know what you think of these pointers?  Do you prescribe to this approach or are following a different one?

Doing a few laps in the pool of self-congratulation

I have learnt as a mother that things don't usually go to plan.

I probably should have learnt this particular life lesson well before having children, but having arrived at the parenting caper without this particular skill I have spent a fair amount of time attempting to feel comfortable in the "shit that really went to hell in a hand basket" zone!

Yesterday however, was one of those sunshiny parenting days where things managed to go off without a hitch.

I had Saturday to get ready for the birthday extravaganza we had organized for our Middle KAT on Sunday (note to self - plan any future parties for a Sunday and block no commitments Saturday to prepare as it really is great for not losing your mind).

Sunday morning I managed to get all the final "details" sorted with time to shower and do a passable impression of "self grooming".  I had the able assistance of my production co ordinator, Saint Mike and we managed to get kids, food, gear, decorations and all the other bits and pieces (including the KATs) loaded into the car and to the venue with our sanity completely intact and enjoying the ride!

I didn't lose the plot.....not even ONCE which is unheard of, I didn't exhibit too much extreme control enthusiast behavior and the party went off without a hitch. 

Even better than a very happy birthday girl was a very happy birthday mother who managed to get her 'table scaping' just about perfect and even managed to get photographic evidence of it.....

They don't call it the silly season for nothing

Every year I get to the start of November, look at my calender and think "oh this is okay, we're looking good...December will be fun"

Every year I get to the start of December and think "oh my God what the hell was I thinking, how did I manage to get through all this crap last year?"

Sometimes I'm a bit slow on the uptake.  When it comes to this annual Groundhog Day experience it would be an understatement to say that this has happened a few years running....this year being NO exception!!!!

This year I decided that I needed to have an added injection of adrenelin and decided to organize a neighborhood christmas drinks & nibblies....and never one to do things in half measures, I went all out on the decorating!!

As you can see, it turned out okay.

So too did the evening, if you don't count the fact that it pissed with rain for the week before, that it pissed with rain the day of and in fact during the event and we had forty plus people (adults & kidlets) crammed onto our back patio!!!!!

Oh and then there was that minor matter of a 5 year old who clearly needed a refresher on the danger of sharp knives who decided to use a carving knife which was for the ham to cut herself open a breadroll and proceeded to cut her fingers. 

I truly thought she'd severed an artery with the amount of blood everywhere.  Selfishly, I was momentarily concerned that blood had got on the ham!!!!! (only for a nano second I promise!!!!)

Fortunately, although she did manage to scream like the proverbial stuck pig, it was only a flesh wound and after a trip to the hospital (which seemed the right place to be after 10 min of screaming and not allowing anyone to look at the fingers) she returned 2 hours later with two bandaids on said fingers.

Mind you, that was two hours too late to save me from a minor melt down after she and her parents had departed for the hospital....standing in the kitchen, feeling a tad shaky and then having a few tears as I felt so bad that she had injured herself at our event and with our goddam knife!

One of my neighbors helpfully mentioned that this could be our own neighborhood version of "The Slap"!!!!  He's such a joker!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Anyway, the party was the beginning of my craziest week so far:

Sunday = Christmas soiree

Monday = children's dance concert out at Homebush (ie miles away), toddler in tow, picked up kids after school and then didn't get home til after 10pm

Tuesday = swimming carnival + work

Wed = middle KATs birthday + school concert + work

Thurs = work + after school playdate

Friday = spend day at school organizing 'stationery drive' that I dobbed self in for and then back it up Fri night with a party

Sat = run around shopping for middle KATs b'day party

Sun = said b'day soiree at offsite location backing up in the evening for carols under the harbour bridge with extra children in tow

Silly Season just doesn't describe it!!!!!!

Hope you're all having slightly less manic time :)

Swim Little Fish Swim

A great day for our middle KAT and favourite little 'fish'....she made it through her 1st Reconciliation, kept her butterflies in check and we celebrated with a fantastic family dinner.

Keep on swimming up to the surface little fish...I love to see your beautiful colors shimmering :)

Swimming Down in the Deep

Our middle KAT is preparing for the sacrament of First Reconciliation. 

If you're shaking your head, this is a god-bothering thing that involves trying to get a bunch of 8 year olds to understand how it's important to ask for God's forgiveness when you consciously do something bad.

It can be tricky getting the penny to drop!

Last week we missed our 2nd session of preparation as I was laid up with a very nasty case of tonisilitis (hence not much blogging has been done).

To catchup, middle KAT and I sat down after dinner tonight to go through the material on our own.

As she can sometimes be a tad fidgety (understatement of the century), I was having trouble keeping her attention....then we got to the bit about thinking of an example of where she had done something that hurt someone else.

Out of the blue she whispers in my ear that she thought of when she told her daddy (that would be SAINT Mike) that he was a 'mean daddy'.  I asked her if she meant it, at which she shook her head.

Tears were now welling in her eyes as I asked her if she had told him she was sorry....NO, she cried.

Did she think she'd feel better if she told him she was sorry I asked.  "I can't" said our beautiful girl.  "I'm too ashamed".

We had a few minutes of crying and me trying to explain to her how I sometimes say things that I don't mean but I know are hurtful...and how saying sorry can heal your heart....and then I did what all good mothers do, I called out to daddy to come and see us.

She was quite upset by this point as I explained to daddy what had transpired but as far as I'm concerned it was soooooooooooooooo important for her to see that her daddy loves her NO MATTER WHAT and that she can TELL HIM ANYTHING...even something that upset her so deeply.

The ensuing minutes were very special for both of them as SM can be EXTREMELY guilty of 'failure to express' in the emotion department.  I was really glad I pushed the point and based on the emotional outpouring from our little girl, she clearly needed to get it off her chest too!

As I explained to her later (quite well I think), she is like a beautiful, bright fish who swims near the surface when she is happy - glinting in the sun and her happiness is there for all to see....but when she's sad she swims deep down into the depths and hides her feelings in the darkness.  In contrast, I explained, her older sister (equally bright and beautiful) is constantly on the surface...exhibiting all her emotions for everyone to see...she rarely swims down 'into the deep' to hide how she feels (a bit like her mother!!!)

The danger is that we can't always see clearly and don't always recognise that the little fish is down there feeling sad....because on the surface all looks quiet! 

We finished our session, had a lovely cuddle in bed before she went to sleep and I know she went off to sleepy by land with a lighter heart. 

Moments to cherish and reflect on :)