Scale Anxiety

Friday is my weigh in day.

Weigh-in day causes me to be extremely anxious. 

Tomorrow is weigh-in day...ergo I have butterflies in my tummy and there's another 24hours to go!!!!

I am trying to challenge my thinking, reminding self that I've done EVERYTHING I've been asked to do.  I eat what I've been told to eat and have put it into the calculator on the Biggest Loser website (which I am still a subscriber to) and I KNOW I'm eating less than (but close to) 1000 calories per day! 

Did I hear you gasp??  I told you it was a Siberian diet!!!!

I am exercising like an Amazon...90 min walking 6 days a week, plus 15min of 'hard cardio' which for me has been running on the treadmill (with breaks to catch my breath) and seeing Mark, my trainer 3 times this week.

Logic tells me that I should have lost weight.

Problem is that my body scoffs heartily at 'logic'....it can be annoyingly unco-operative and may just decide to gain weight instead (or even worse not change at all from last week!!!!!)

Tomorrow will signal the end of Week 6 of the challenge. 

I had lost 10.2kgs as of last Friday (end of Week 5 for those of you not paying attention)

Am I happy with that result for 5 weeks worth of effort??  YES!  Ecstatic!!

Does it mean that I'm not driving myself even harder to keep on losing for these last four weeks (now only 3 weeks)?  NO!  I've turned into a machine...and a competitive one at that!!!!

I'm still on top of the leader board...my closest competition is 2kgs behind me....and I want her to stay there!  She's on my tail though and I can't slack off...

I do keep reminding myself that this should not be about winning....but I'm starting to think that it's easy to say that when you're NOT winning...but when you are, goddamit you just want to stay on top!

Anyway, further updates will be forthcoming tomorrow....wish me luck :)

Now Panic & Freak Out

I'm going to see a personal trainer this afternoon and it's all my sisters fault (she knows who she is!).

I should be somewhat excited about commencing a 'get fit' campaign.  Instead I'm terrified and panicking like I'm being asked to stand in for one of Beyonce's back up dancers (you can see I'm struggling with things today - I can't even think up a decent comparison...hang on I know there's a word for it I just can't think of it...simile, metaphor, oh bugger it!!)

I'm having an anxiety attack about having to front up to some guy who I'm paying to get my butt into gear...and the sad thing is that I know he won't give a toss about me so it's not like I'm worried about what he's thinking (I have progressed in my use of cognitive behavior therapy!!!)

No, my anxiety attack is because in getting my butt into gear I'm going to have to give up my security blanket...my comfort eating...the thing that never lets me down...the thing that makes me FEEL good even if it's making me look like SHIT!!!!

I know I need to do this, but I've needed to do it for the last four years and haven't been able to stick with ANY sort of good health/good eating plan...failure is my middle name even though I've tried to disown it multiple times!!

In recent months I have been making an effort to be the boss of my own mind and wrote down some negative thoughts and the associated CBT thinking to try to get out from under this huge weight of unhelpful thinking that is holding me back.  I'm looking at them now...I was going to post them here but I've changed my mind (a bit too many of it is very personal, sorry folks!).

Okay.  I'm going to show up at this appointment and I'm going to commit to making the changes to get some results.  I will keep you posted!

PS If you're driving down the road and see a woman in exercise gear running down the footpath screaming and waving her arms in terror that's probably me...only joking :)