Respite from reality

 

My next chemo cycle starts this Friday. I have six cycles of FEC which sounds like some sort of mucous you would cough up during a particularly bad chest infection.

In actual fact it's an acronym for the cocktail of three drugs which my lovely oncologist has informed me will not result in the sort of severe allergic reaction I had when I had my first chemo round....oh that would be the one I haven't been able to write about here because it was so traumatic!

Imagine someone going into anaphylactic shock and that about covers it! Suffice to say that the drug that caused this reaction is not one I will be having. To add to my "special" status I also managed to have a reaction to the anti nausea medication (Maxalon) which resulted in something akin to lock jaw and a bad sense of vertigo which when combined with the buzz from all the steroids they had to pump into me made me truly want to euthanise myself pronto.

I was bedridden for five days and then improved daily the point that I was feeling dreadfully guilty (once again) for all the assistance I'm receiving with the KATs....imposter syndrome persists even when I'm legitimately unwell....I still feel like a faker...not "sick" enough...undeserving of all the terribly nice things people are doing and saying to me.

My poor KATs are naturally finding this roller coaster ride a tad tiresome and I thought they deserved a break from reality just as much as Saint Mike and I do! So a few days away have been the order of the day.

We loaded the car up with cossies, goggles, bikes and the minimum amount of clothing and drove a few hours north of Sydney to the calm and tranquility of a beachside holiday park. We have been here before years ago so I knew it was the antidote to our malady. Four days later I'm typing this as the KATs frolic in the pool....their last swim before they jump into the already loaded car for the return trip to our unwanted reality.

Oldest KAT tearfully proclaimed that it has been the best holiday she's ever had because she could forget that I'm sick and no one has asked her how her mum is. Truthfully I don't look sick (my hair is yet to fall out...cue more imposter syndrome) and I too have been lulled into feelings of "normal"....my heart breaks that we cannot remain in this state of blissful ignorance.

They have ridden their bikes with gay abandon, furtively admired cute boys around the park and frolicked like dolphins in the pool. I'm already plotting to return in early December to give them (and me) a much-needed booster shot before chemo round 5 on Dec 20....this time with our hard-working daddy along for the whole time!

The image I've used in this post is a mosaic garden tile that I made with Middle KAT....that was my week 2 project....I exhausted myself lifting three such concrete pavers and have been sternly instructed by my oncologist and Saint Mike to undertake less taxing creative distractions during chemo...passing out isn't a good look!

So we don our Indiana hat and march on relentlessly towards the other side of this horrible abyss....wish me luck for my mucous-like FEC regime:)

 

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The Premeditated Chop

 

 

My first chemo cycle commences tomorrow. The countdown will thus commence until the day my hair follicles decide to head for the hills.

Never one to contemplate an idea for too long lest the opposing view gains traction I booked in for a "pre-chemo chop" with my beautiful hairdresser Rachel.

I thought chopping my hair off was a way to inoculate myself and the KATs from the shock of losing my hair completely. I hate to say it but I'm no longer convinced of the wisdom of this approach....poor Middle KAT was completely devastated when she saw my pixie cut!!!

This photo was taken a week ago at dinner to celebrate Oldest KAT turning 13!! As you can see my hair was long enough to pull back in a ponytail....not any more!

I feel okay when I look in the mirror but it's like looking at someone else. I cried when Rachel started. I cried during the cut. I cried when I left the salon and I've cried along with Middle KAT as she cried big heaving sobs. I asked her to tell me what words came into her head to describe how she's feeling:

Scared

Worried

Frightened

What to say to allay those horrible feelings? Well, when you're me you go for an analogy....next post I will share it with you:)

It will be all good. I just wish it was all good now! If I had to express how I'm feeling right now it would also be:

Scared

Worried

Frightened

Great minds think alike:)

 

Out the other side

I'm drugged up on endone but wanted to do a little post for those special people like my friend Carmel who are far away and not on Facebook so have spent the day praying for me and worrying!!

Pre surgery I was extremely nervous. Sentinel node injections went smoothly and were far less painful than Dr Google had suggested! Not a walk in the park but not gripping the edge of the gurney either:)

Every single staff interaction I've had today has been lovely...the Mater in Sydney is a place brimming with caring, compassionate people.

Waiting for surgery was emotional but I had Saint Mike to hold my hand.

Being roused in post-op I felt drowsy and in pain but not nauseous and knew I was in good hands. By the time I got to the ward I just really needed to see my gorgeous husband....how people go through this without a loving partner is beyond me.

I'm on hourly obs so can't really go to sleep...I'm amusing myself by watching The Great Australian Bake Off and reading the many many messages from friends and family on Facebook and text.

I've also spoken to Oldest and Middle KAT and love that I am once again humbled by what beautiful and caring girls they are:)

Signing off now....thanks and love to all my friends and family who are getting their updates here!

Hursuit or not?

Oldest KAT is rapidly emerging into adolescence. She is tentatively beginning to spread her wings and it is challenging for both of us.

Personal grooming has been and I'm sure will continue to be a topic of discussion. My goal is that she comes out the other side of this at times difficult physical transformation with her self esteem intact and retains a positive view of her body...that it is her friend not her enemy!

I am using a board on Pinterest to help express the thoughts and feelings that I want my KATs to be in touch with as they grow up...it's called "Inspiration for daughters".

On the weekend we were hanging out together and I asked her if any of her peers had started discussing hair removal...legs, underarms, eye-brows (I will admit to crossing my fingers that the pubic hair wasn't a topic!!!)

We had a bit of a chuckle about the issue of hairy legs and did a Pinterest search on the topic! Found a couple of funny quotes (including above pointed example) that capture the opposing views quite succinctly!!!

I myself am fairly middle of the road in the hairy stakes...I won't go into specifics but suffice to say I'm not at either extreme!!

It was good to broach the subject and make sure that as with all things I want her to feel comfortable talking to me. Amidst way too many moments of impatience on both our sides of late it was a reassuring parent/soon-to-be teen interaction:)

How do you rank on the scale of hursuitness???

Fostering resiliance in the KATs

Quote from here

Term two is in full swing in the house of KATcapers.  Oldest KAT is in year 7 and Middle KAT in Year 5 so that also means we have NAPLAN hanging over our heads.

Each time we've gone through this we get the blurb from the school reminding us that the children shouldn't feel stressed or anxious about NAPLAN. 

Heeeeelllo!  What parallel universe do these teachers live in! Oh and can I join them there!?

There's simply no getting away from this locomotive as it steams down the track towards them!! Regardless of Saint Mike and I keeping the focus off it at home, there is more than enough discussion about it amongst their peers and at school generally.

Oldest KAT is not anxious about it.  She's more concerned with the assessments she's undergoing for subjects like Science, History and Design & Technology which is all new to her!  She is going from strength to strength academically and reading, writing and arithmetic is like breathing to her.

Middle KAT on the other hand is a different kettle of fish.  Year 5 is truly turning into an emotional year for her.  She's had the usual surge of hormones (and feet growth) that signals her commencing her passage into young womanhood and this makes for an emotional time whenever any hurdle presents itself.  Unfortunately, schoolwork is a hurdle that is not getting any easier.

Her ability to focus (or lack thereof) has always been a source of worry for us.  ADHD is an acronym that we've toyed with over the years and even had her tested to see if there was anything that needed to be diagnosed.  Our concern has never been about behaviour as she's not disruptive, it's more to do with the feeling that she can lack focus and be "off with the pixies" which affects her learning.

How funny then that just when we're preparing for these weeks of high tension in our house I received an email from Allison wanting to know if I'd be interested in sharing the following information from OnlinePsychologyDegree.net:


For better or worse we're past the point of implementing this advice for toddlers and babies but I think it's got real merit in terms of the way we are trying to raise our KATs to be resilient and equipped to be emotionally mature, independent young people ready to take on the world in whatever way, shape or form their hearts and minds tell them to!

Saint Mike and I make a good team when it comes to adopting stretegies to help get the best out of our KATs.  I'm really lucky that way! For example we decided that we really needed to curb the amount of TV viewing and general screen time that's been going on in our house.  This chart talks about it for babies but it's soooo much harder when they can verbally complain about the no TV or games during the school week!!!

I'd love to know what you think of these pointers?  Do you prescribe to this approach or are following a different one?

Uptime and Downtime

 

Unlike previous school breaks these holidays have been free of any "organised" activity.

Instead spontaneity coupled with plenty of down time for all of us has been our modus operandi.

Youngest KAT is off to big school and these holidays have been about spending lots of time with her big sisters....annoying as that can sometimes be for each of them:)

Oldest KAT remains preoccupied with her elevation to high school and the natural apprehension that it brings.

Middle KAT has been practising her basketball skills in the evenings with daddy whilst I constructively critisize Saint Mike's coaching technique and play with the other two in the adjacent park.

Two weeks to go. Shopping done, labelling underway. The excitement for a new school year builds.

weekend roundup

Oldest KAT enjoying a pain au chocolait on Saturday morning

Back from our jaunt to Melbourne.  It was the best of times and the worst of times.

The best because I spent extended uninterrupted time with Oldest KAT...my doppelganger, mini-me (all the best bits thankfully) and my oldest friend (and her husband who's also a pretty 'spesh' friend).

The worst because my arm throbbed in sync with the music and just generally ached like buggery!  It was a sign of how this was wearing thin with me when I spilt a drink on myself on the flight back and burst into tears!!!  Some unexpected but much appreciated TLC from the kind Qantas hosties made me feel much better...a pillow to support my arm and a few tissues were a much-needed salve for my frayed edges.

We were looked after by my oldest friend, who met her husband at the youth group through me (my one and only claim to fame in the match-making department).  She and I go back even further though, we have known each other since we were pre-schoolers (met a Kindy).  She knows me better than anyone and is personally acquainted with many of the skeletons in my closet!!

That's her on the left, me on the right and our other friend in the middle - College Ball circa 1990....how good do we look!!!

The Reunion Mass was great....I had an embarrassingly good time.  I sang my heart out. I remembered harmonies I haven't sung for over 20 years and at the supper afterwards time dissolved the intervening years as I laughed and chatted.  In the end I had to be dragged out by Oldest KAT as she was hungry and tired...so were retired for a good old Melbourne 'counter meal' (NSW readers will be shaking their heads at this term...think pub food!).

Practising before-hand.  I'm the tall one behind the boy in red...he's the sweet young son of an old choir friend.

At the supper we even got to watch ourselves on the screen as someone had a copy of the televised mass from about 1989 I think.

I'm standing next to the thoroughbred in pink....she also happens to be my younger sister!!!!  I captured this image just as the credits were appearing...all over my face (you get the picture though).

We sounded just as great at yesterdays Mass as we did 20 years ago....still got it!!!  A lady came up to me afterwards and said "I remember you, I used to come and listen to you every week...you used to be blonde didn't you"!!!!!!

Sigh...so young...so thin, so naturally blonde!!!!

The years I spent as part of the 5 O'Clock Group were formative in many ways - aside from the singing, the camaraderie, the spirituality, I met a boy who would become a long term boyfriend and eventually we'd become engaged only to agree to part 3 months before our wedding...sad but the best decision I ever made:)  I must post about that at some point!

"Hanging out" with the 'boy' in the presbytery kitchen!

A 15yr old me.

A great weekend.  A trip worth taking even with a bung arm:)  A chance to reconnect with people and a time that will always be special.  I was lucky to find my way to them and I'm lucky to have the chance to find my way back to them on occasions like this...to rediscover a 'me' that I'd forgotten to some extent.  A 'me' I'm proud of and that I can shed a tear that I didn't appreciate her when she was in her prime:)

Life's like that though isn't it.  Hindsight has 20-20 vision!