Wishes and Dishes

So the school holidays are almost done. As opposed to last holidays these ones were a festival of restraint. No driving holidays to Victoria, no grand ambitions just softly, softly lest I undo all the good work I've done in the last couple of months to be in a better place physically (and psychologically).

Months ago I organized a spot at pony camp for Middle KAT. Every young girls dream - a residential camp for five nights! It will do nothing to dispel her ambitions of owning her own piece of horse flesh but we can handle that!

Pony camp wouldn't be right without a matching polo shirt:)

For the rest of us it's been time at home. Oldest KAT has had a few catch ups with friends (we aren't allowed to call them play dates). Youngest KAT has had a friend staying. A boy no less! They are so lovely together, not a cross word between them!

Tonight I cooked up the best roast clucker!! It was a veritable feast of lemon and thyme stuffed chook with my famous gravy and roast potatoes. I'm a legend in my own Scanpan!!!

Ah school holidays, who said you have to be stressful!

Under the Sea

August is a busy month for birthdays in our house. Oldest and Youngest KAT get to enjoy special days this month.

In the case of Youngest KAT it was party central a couple of weeks back. Because I could run classes in the art of "keeping up appearances" and at that point wasn't complying with the instructions to take it easy I decided that it would be a good idea (even a sane idea) to a craft party at our place for fifteen 7yr olds!

Here are some shots of the decorations. Suffice to say it was a great success but probably contributed to my less than stellar mental state post-party!! It's all good though...completely worth it to see our little  girl enjoy herself so.

Craft activity #1 was to make a fish using paper plates, colored tissue paper, washi tape and the essential googly eyes. 

After a break for party food we had a go at Craft activity #2....my version of Jellfish! 

I had pre-painted the paper bowls and pre-sewn crepe paper tentacles. Can I just say how my life is truly complete having stumbled across the under-appreciated art of the ruffled crepe paper effect? It is deceptively simple but highly effective - straight stitch on the sewing machine with a little bit of pressure applied to the thread as it comes off the feeder thingy...voila you have instant ruffles! I sewed two strips of crepe paper together and we had more ruffles than Strictly Ballroom!!

The table backdrop was a feast of mummy creativity. Thank goodness I am versatility personified in the range of glue dots and double sided tape I possess!

Spotlight was extremely forthcoming in the sparkly fabric department which was used for tablecloths and a photo backdrop. It has now been put to use as a princess outfit for the birthday girl...my sewing is nothing to write home about but I'm good at improvising...

I must say, the jellyfish were my fave party decor addition. Miss 7 had a blast and I have survived to party-plan another day:)

This too shall pass

We are back to normal transmission.

I have deleted the post that was ruminating on topics that don't deserve oxygen. 

Last week was crammed with more doctors than the complimentary bar at a pharmaceutical conference! With my oncologist's support I am giving Tamoxifen a rest. It may not be the culprit but it is definitely a contributing factor to my low mood.

I'm backing away from business commitments that I've rushed into before I'm healthy enough to handle the toll work takes. I'm trying to be kind to myself and not let guilt weigh me down.

Yesterday (Sunday) Youngest KAT and I made a special trip to the Mall to buy some touchstones. She chose one for each of us and a bag to put them in. They will go with her to school and be there when she's feeling sad. They will remind her that I'm always with her. Thank you to my gorgeous friend Kate for suggesting this. The idea was a winner and lit up both our eyes! 

I love my family more than words can say. Words cannot describe how I want to walk the same path as them. I want to see them laugh and cry, run and stumble along life's path. I described it as a parallel path but I've realized that we are on the same path, it's just a bit rocky right now.

Seeing my KATs emerging into the young women they are destined to be is why I endured my awful treatment. Because I love them and I want to be around. More than anything. A bit of life ache isn't going to stand in my way.

Our word for 2014

This is our word for 2014. It's applies to all of us in some way or another. 

For me it describes what's been required since the dreaded "C" word was first uttered six months ago. Craptastic chemo took so much out of me that I am still trying to restock but in reality it feels like I'm in the eye of the storm as my surgery is being planned and I know that will take its own toll on my already ravaged body.

We often use the word resilience in our family. It's an important trait that we want the KATs to develop (and they are). But I also love the word Grit because it feels more "active" to me....being resilient can sometimes seems a bit reactive...this situation or this person is being shitty and I need to bounce back etcetera etcetera. Grit on the other hand is about not just bouncing back but getting stronger as a result.

Active versus passive. Does that make sense?

Best pressie santa could bring us

Christmas this year has been spent lounging around in hospital. I observed to my own personal reindeer (Saint Mike) that this was a rather extreme way of ensuring a stress-free Christmas Day!

What has been absent this year due to my planned admission for blessed relief from craptastic chemo nausea you ask?

- No psycho mummy attempting to create a feast worthy of Martha Stewart

- No control enthusiast mummy attempting to orchestrate setting of table to match feast worth of Martha

- No control enthusiast mummy cracking the complete shits because no one can get their arses enthusiastically to the table to enjoy (and provide positive reinforcement) for said feast worthy of Martha

Ahhhhhhhhh can you hear Saint Mike's sigh of relief?

Instead I came into hospital on Sunday and have remained cocooned in what is a very quiet hospital over the Christmas break. Coming to it with very low expectations it has been blessedly stress free for me too. Oh aside from the cough I've picked up from a rather over enthusiastic air conditioning vent above my bed:)

I decided not to set daddy any hurdles to jump over and left alone he has hit all the right notes...my room gets the prize for the most festive in the hospital (according to every staff member that crosses the doorstep).

The girls brought their bean bags and lay about to watch the Carols (Melbourne/Channel 9 version!!!)

I awoke on Christmas morning with a suitable burst of energy and had a wonderful visit with my little elves and stubbly reindeer. I opened my presents and didn't once have to adopt the dreaded "present receiving face"! I was just so grateful to be with my gorgeous little family and be able to share such special time with them.

Having unwrapped my gifts I gave my KATs the best pressie they could ever receive (I hoped). The news that this hospital visit spells the end of my downward trip resulting from craptastic chemo. After six tortuous cycles my oncologist has decided that I can forego cycle 7!!!!! No more FECking FEC for me:)

There were tears all round from Oldest KAT, Middle KAT and me. Saint Mike and Littlest KAT stayed composed. The relief in my beautiful girls eyes was palpable.

Truly the best pressie ever - a mummy that will start to get better in the New Year.

Halloween

Things have been subdued over here in KATcapers land. Despite my best intentions my blogging continues to be sporadic.

Craptastic chemo was never going to be a beer and skittles affair. I knew that. I just hoped that I would get cut a few breaks when it came to side effects. Unfortunately each cycle thus far has featured its own drama. 

Whilst my first visit to hospital was a fairly calm affair, my subsequent trip to the emergency room last week was less slightly more dramatic in that I was dehydrated and losing bodily fluids from both ends! Craptastic chemo is not only causing me kt have severe nausea but is also messing with my bowels something nasty!

It was distressing for all of us but I have been particularly concerned about the impact on the girls when I have to be rushed off to hospital. 

I seem to have one week out of three now where I'm relatively energetic (to a point) and so I am trying to busy myself with crafty pursuits to take my mind off the fact that I have an appointment with a canula every three weeks that I would prefer to skip!

Exhibit A is the above image - fabric covered canvas for a teacher at school who has a new grandchild. 

Exhibit B was another fabric covered canvas made for another lady at school....as you can tell my innovation with a fabric covered canvas is a bottomless pit!

 

I also managed to finish three shelves that I'd picked up from council cleanup - wallpaper found on Etsy and a few sample pots did the trick. My skills with a drill and a spirit level still need some work but I'm happy with the result.

Next chemo is November 8th and my oncologist has arranged for me to check into hospital on day 4 post-chemo to be attached to a drip and fed anti-nausea drugs and fluids to help me ride out what seems determined to be the week from hell each cycle. Hopefully this will be a calm and controlled process that we can ensure doesn't traumatise the girls and keeps me relatively healthy.

Halloween decorations will be the topic of my next post...even craptastic chemo can't subdue the frustrated event planner in me and I decorated up a storm...before collapsing in bed and missing the afternoons proceedings:)

Revealing the noggin

So here we have it. The noggin reveal. Despite the nausea that accompanied the weekend post-chemo I had decided that I wasn't going to delay the inevitable. My rapidly thinning hair needed to be put out of its misery.

On Saturday Saint Mike was charged with procuring a set of clippers when he took the girls out to the local shopping centre for a movie. On Sunday morning it was me who unpacked them and plugged them into their charger. Like most mere men, task completion can be the undoing of my husband.

The cape is a child-sized version acquired as a visual prop to enforce the "hair must be tied up or cut" rule which Youngest KAT was resisting some months back. It has sat unopened as have the scissors purchased at the same time...who said dire threats don't work?

We all congregated on the back lawn as I thought it a good idea to avoid sweeping up. However when Sally (the dog) started picking up chunks of hair it became a mad scramble for the girls to collect all the "bits" less we poison the dog with my chemo-laden hair. Quite the comedy act with peals of laughter no less.

Saint Mike seemed to take a perverse pleasure in his role as wielder of the clippers. A running commentary was given by the KATs regarding how daddy was giving mummy a Mohawk...then it became a tuft of hair which he insisted would be a good look.

Perhaps it was the flurry of activity (a confused dog chasing your hair around the lawn with three children in hot pursuit) but I didn't feel distressed. I was self conscious and felt immediately unattractive (note to self - black plastic cape isn't flattering) and I regretted that I had not stage managed this a bit better. Nausea will do that I suppose.

I felt strongly that we should do it as a family. I could have gone to the hairdressers and revealed my baldness to the KATs post-clip but having experienced their differing reactions to my pre-chemo chop I felt that immersing them in the process was for the best. Thankfully it worked.

Each of them reacted in their own way. Oldest KAT exhibited typical teen repulsion (yuck factor) but she is also painfully self-aware of how I appear now to the world and she was immediately worried for me.

Middle KAT was predictably reticent to say anything lest she reveal either her own anguish that I am suffering from this disease at all or that she might hurt my feelings by saying something "wrong". Wry smiles and gentle caresses were the order of the day.

Youngest KAT was tentative...it was the tactile that was front of mind for her....how will it "feel" when she touches it. Prickly is the answer!

This image captures the thoughts and feelings that were fluttering down around us. As someone said on my Facebook page - I am cherished and surrounded by love.

I'm now into my fourth day as a bald eagle and my next post will reflect on how it feels to face the world with my remarkably smooth billiard cue.

I'd rather be here

I'd rather be feeling the cool water licking my body this morning. Instead the only thing licking my body is the constant waves of nausea that are effectively making me feel sea sick! 

I have taken my third capsule of magic meds that are supposed to render the nausea inert but this morning it is truly awful. 

Saint Mike has vacated the house with the KATs and taken them off for the swim that I really want...maybe I should drive after them? I'd like to but chundering out the window may not be a good look and although the water will be a blessing, the noisy children sharing the pool will do nothing to dull the roar that is occupying my head.

Yes this is day 3 post-chemo and like the first round it truly stinks...it's also going to be the day the girls and Saint Mike shave my head.

Post with photos will follow...

(Image credit - Martine Emdur painting)

Getting back on the chemo horse

This morning I stood in the shower staring blankly at my hands covered equally in shampoo suds and my hair. Every day I have gingerly touched my hair waiting for it to give up the follicular ghost. 

As I mentioned in my last post I had even started to feel a bit of imposter syndrome creeping in as the days passed and I was not bald!

I had rationalised that as my 1st chemo session had been such a debacle I had been spared losing my hair and it would happen in the next few weeks post my new FEC cocktail commencing. So as I showered this morning with my head full of "worry" about what the day would bring in the chemo-lucky-dip department I absent-mindedly shampooed my hair. Seeing that amount of hair come away without even a whimper (no discomfort felt at all) was truly perplexing. Almost in disbelief I shampooed for a 2nd time and sure enough more hair fell out. 

I felt a bit bewildered to be honest. It's odd how even though I knew it was going to happen the timing just caught me by surprise. In order to give the KATs plenty of forewarning I called them in and gave them the news. Oldest KAT seemed unperturbed as did Littlest KAT. Not unsurprisingly Middle KAT did her best to be stoic but was clearly perturbed.

Annoyingly I couldn't spend the entire day pondering the imminent reveal of my scone as I had my chemo appointment to get to! So I ignored the hair mounting on the floor, in the basin and on the counter (note to self - white corian bench top is a VERY bad idea!).

I chose to dress in super bright spring colours today to counter the feelings of anxiety that could have swamped me if permitted. I'm trying to stetch my blogging skills so created this collage of the outfit...wasn't up for photos today!

It wouldn't be me if the chemo clogs didn't get an outing! My nails are also currently coral pink/orange shellac:)

The top looks blah but in actual fact it's a really nice lime green and I love it with the coral.

I'll post in more detail on how the actual chemo went but in short I'm home, I'm on an anti-nausea drug that doesn't give me lock jaw and a nasty metallic taste in my mouth. I am wiped out and am going to stay in bed and rest as long as my body tells me it needs to (thank goodness for another week of school holidays).

Over and out from my own personal pharmacy!!!

The Premeditated Chop

 

 

My first chemo cycle commences tomorrow. The countdown will thus commence until the day my hair follicles decide to head for the hills.

Never one to contemplate an idea for too long lest the opposing view gains traction I booked in for a "pre-chemo chop" with my beautiful hairdresser Rachel.

I thought chopping my hair off was a way to inoculate myself and the KATs from the shock of losing my hair completely. I hate to say it but I'm no longer convinced of the wisdom of this approach....poor Middle KAT was completely devastated when she saw my pixie cut!!!

This photo was taken a week ago at dinner to celebrate Oldest KAT turning 13!! As you can see my hair was long enough to pull back in a ponytail....not any more!

I feel okay when I look in the mirror but it's like looking at someone else. I cried when Rachel started. I cried during the cut. I cried when I left the salon and I've cried along with Middle KAT as she cried big heaving sobs. I asked her to tell me what words came into her head to describe how she's feeling:

Scared

Worried

Frightened

What to say to allay those horrible feelings? Well, when you're me you go for an analogy....next post I will share it with you:)

It will be all good. I just wish it was all good now! If I had to express how I'm feeling right now it would also be:

Scared

Worried

Frightened

Great minds think alike:)

 

In Between Times

It's been a month since I found my lump. It really illustrates how life can change in an instant.

I'm now recuperating from my 2nd surgery and today am feeling quite washed out. The pathology results showed the cancer to be high grade and therefore fast growing but thankfully not in my nodes...I'll still need chemo but at least I can feel relatively reassured about my prospects.

We have been receiving lots of lovely flowers...they are so beautiful

There's also been lots of food delivered which Saint Mike particularly loves!!! Our chest freezer is coming in very handy:)

Life goes on and August is a birthday month in our house -Littlest KAT turning 6 and Oldest KAT soon to turn 13!!!

Middle KAT is keeping us amused with her antics...she's found a new use for the lovely breast support cushion (we call it the "booby cushion")...

Our cancelled overseas trip is still there in the background giving me pangs of sadness...emails from French hotels with check-in info which we no longer need:( I know it will still be there when I recover but I'm not feeling very trusting in making plans I may not get to fulfil.

For now I continue to recover and think of the chemo ordeal ahead...my body needs all the nurturing I can give it so I'm on the Green Smoothie bandwagon!

 

 

 

Out the other side

I'm drugged up on endone but wanted to do a little post for those special people like my friend Carmel who are far away and not on Facebook so have spent the day praying for me and worrying!!

Pre surgery I was extremely nervous. Sentinel node injections went smoothly and were far less painful than Dr Google had suggested! Not a walk in the park but not gripping the edge of the gurney either:)

Every single staff interaction I've had today has been lovely...the Mater in Sydney is a place brimming with caring, compassionate people.

Waiting for surgery was emotional but I had Saint Mike to hold my hand.

Being roused in post-op I felt drowsy and in pain but not nauseous and knew I was in good hands. By the time I got to the ward I just really needed to see my gorgeous husband....how people go through this without a loving partner is beyond me.

I'm on hourly obs so can't really go to sleep...I'm amusing myself by watching The Great Australian Bake Off and reading the many many messages from friends and family on Facebook and text.

I've also spoken to Oldest and Middle KAT and love that I am once again humbled by what beautiful and caring girls they are:)

Signing off now....thanks and love to all my friends and family who are getting their updates here!

FBC update

So it's the night before my lumpectomy and I've polished off a glass and a bit of wine and nibbled on some Parmesan biscuits. Pathetic final meal before 20% of my boob gets lobbed off isn't it!

It's been a roller coaster of a couple of weeks. Emotionally draining is an understatement. I went through the motions if seeing a Plastic & Reconstructive surgeon to consider if it made sense to "fix" things up at the same time the Breast Surgeon took out the other nasty bits. I weighed it up and decided that I'd prefer to focus on aesthetics later...there's always the chance that the biopsy reveals that the margins aren't clear and further surgery is required...if I had the breast tissue moved around by the plastic surgeon there would be no way of just whipping out a little bit more margin....instead it would be a case of take the entire breast off!

My Breast Surgeon agreed that there's a 1 in 5 chance that additional surgery is required to take further clean margin around the lump so it just didn't add up to me. So for the foreseeable future I will be officially lopsided!

I have had a couple of calls from the Breast Care nurse whose job it is to ease my way through the virtual quagmire of information that you are confronted with as part of this journey. She recommended I avoid google if at all possible. Being the non compliant sort of girl that I am I haven't completely complied with this request! When I have visited Dr Google its frightened the life out of me and I end up a screaming, crying mess!

My wonderful school community has rallied and my church community has also been lovely (thanks Tonia). I feel well supported and we now have a freezer full of food and a laminated schedule for the younger KATs to get them around after school. We feel really touched at the effort people have gone to on our behalf.

I will be referring to my ailment as FBC....if the B'C stands for Breast Cancer I will let you work out what the F stands for!!!

I know that some of my friends do like to get my thoughts via KATcapers so despite not wanting to only focus on the FBC I feel it only appropriate to update the blog status:)

I'd like to say bring on tomorrow but I'm scared and am fully aware that the surgery will reveal the full pathology and I may not like what I hear! I'm scared and not afraid to admit it.

Signing of for now:))

 

The "C" Word

Last Tuesday I stumbled out of bed after Saint Mike and Oldest KAT had left for work and school respectively.

As is my usual route I made a bee-line for the kettle anticipating my morning caffeine hit. As I stood there I scratched my left armpit. In the process, my fingers grazed my boob. Cue the thought bubble "hmnnn what's that?" Followed hot on its heels by "When did that lump get there?".

As I sipped my coffee I contemplated succumbing to my natural instinct to catastophise and decided not to fight it! As soon as the doctor opened I called to make an appointment and 2 hours later was being reassured the lump was "mobile" and probably just a cyst. However erring on the side of caution my doctor recommended a mammogram and ultrasound.

Obediently I called and made the appointment for the Wednesday. Although I told Mike I went to the appointment on my own.

Having trawled Dr Google it didn't take more than one image of the lump in question for even my untrained eye to establish this wasn't a cyst we were looking at!

An hour and a half later I wished I had asked Mike to accompany me! It must be a prerequisite of being a radiologist that you possess a poker face....the two ladies who did the tests were impossible to break. Finally I was told that the doctor was on the phone to my GP and wanted to do a core needle biopsy on said lump. Cue tears. Copious amounts.

Enduring discomfort is part of the female DNA and I won't lie and say the experience was pleasant but I knew it was necessary. When I finally drove home I did so knowing it would be 36hrs before I knew the results.

36 hours is a long time to be in cancer limbo. Long enough to think through the worst scenarios your mind will entertain.

By Friday lunchtime I was at the GP with my Saint on earth riding shotgun. There was a delay with the GP. We went for coffee and I stared our the window tears in my eyes. An ominous feeling deep inside me. Proved accurate when we were finally ushered in.

The "C" word. Directed at me. The GP tried to be positive. At least it's breast cancer. Eminently treatable! I tried to take it in but the tears were flowing and I felt like I was having an out of body experience. Not talking to me! Yes. She is.

The rest of the day a blur. Straight home to get clothes for the girls. Beseeching neighbour and friend to take the girls then off to the hospital to see the surgeon.

This blog won't become a journal of my cancer journey....but I have to make a mark in the sand...I type this knowing I've already taken my first steps on a road I don't want to travel down. My only solace is that I do so with my wonderful family beside me and my friends supporting me.

 

 

 

Rescued Desk Reveal

Here she is in all her Scandinavian grey and turqoise glory!

I'm really pleased with how she's looking...once again paint brush therapy has made for a more relaxed and chilled mummy!

The little voice in my head still whispers "you're not doing a good enough job" but my gorgeous KATs and Saint Mike are there to tell me how impressed they are with my handiwork. Middle KAT has decided she will make a fab desk for her!!

An added benefit of this project was doing it up in the Ladyshed:) Peace and quiet up the back of the garden!

You will notice she is san handles? I am dithering...plain or something more jewel-like for this lovely lady...

What do you think?

Hursuit or not?

Oldest KAT is rapidly emerging into adolescence. She is tentatively beginning to spread her wings and it is challenging for both of us.

Personal grooming has been and I'm sure will continue to be a topic of discussion. My goal is that she comes out the other side of this at times difficult physical transformation with her self esteem intact and retains a positive view of her body...that it is her friend not her enemy!

I am using a board on Pinterest to help express the thoughts and feelings that I want my KATs to be in touch with as they grow up...it's called "Inspiration for daughters".

On the weekend we were hanging out together and I asked her if any of her peers had started discussing hair removal...legs, underarms, eye-brows (I will admit to crossing my fingers that the pubic hair wasn't a topic!!!)

We had a bit of a chuckle about the issue of hairy legs and did a Pinterest search on the topic! Found a couple of funny quotes (including above pointed example) that capture the opposing views quite succinctly!!!

I myself am fairly middle of the road in the hairy stakes...I won't go into specifics but suffice to say I'm not at either extreme!!

It was good to broach the subject and make sure that as with all things I want her to feel comfortable talking to me. Amidst way too many moments of impatience on both our sides of late it was a reassuring parent/soon-to-be teen interaction:)

How do you rank on the scale of hursuitness???

Long Time Gone

As those cool Dixie Chicks' say I've been a long time gone!

 

It hasn't been a conscious thing, more a result of circumstance (health issues). Although I haven't been visible there has been a LOT going on behind the scenes!

Thankfully I have been surrounded by support from family and friends which has made a difficult few months much easier to manage.

 

Fortunately with the term coming to a close things are on the up and up! Last Friday we celebrated a family wedding and I was full of pride at my three gorgeous KATs.



Oldest KAT was a flowergirl (more Junior bridesmaid as she was as tall as the bridesmaids). Stunning is my only word....how did I produce such beauty?

On the DIY front I have had time to consider my new venture and have a little renaming in the wind...more news to follow! For now here are a couple of my projects to whet your appetite:

Picked this up locally...solid and in good nick and bonus is a matching "hutch" that sits on top. Thinking I'm going to paint it white and the back of the shelves in the hutch a pale blue. Knobs will be replaced and may find some map paper to line the drawers!

Does this picture piqué your interest? The metal baskets are popping up all over the place for varying amounts...I have three of them and have been admiring them in their rustic (rusty) form but have decided to give them an overhaul and use them as planters on the porch...photos to come:)

So that about covers it! Life is good, school holidays are beckoning and I've got heaps more energy!