Sunday, July 1, 2012

Time Stands Still

Five years on.

Youngest KAT will reach that milestone having never met her grandpa.  She is now older than Middle KAT was in this photo with grandpa.

Oldest KAT is now a young women.  Grandpa only knew her barely out of her toddler years.

We've all aged.  Dad hasn't.  In my mind he is exactly as I last saw him.  Grey but not old.  His blue eyes as bright and his moustache as ticklish as always.

His anniversary sneaks up on me.  I think I'm fine and then I fall in a heap.

The tears are constant and salty.  The pain is physical, my throat is raw and my heart is so heavy.

Today I contemplated not wanting to see another one of these anniversaries approach.  It is harder every year when my mind thinks of all he's missed and all we've missed too.  I'm not a better person for this pain.

If it's possible I feel more vulnerable and permeable.  Why does grief sting so?  What purpose does it serve to continually return to this point. 

Twelve months of trying to live in the moment only to be back here again...back in that moment.  That moment when my world became a place where I did not want to be without him.

I have so much, but at the moment it's him I want.  Just to have him to talk to, to hug, to tell him how much I love him.

Then there's my mum.  How hard this is for her.  It breaks my heart.

These photos wouldn't meet the 'standard' that blogs should supposedly strive for.  But they capture a moment in time that I would give anything to repeat.  My parents, together....with me and with my family sharing the moment.

Those moments you don't realise are precious at the time.  Irreplaceable.

I love you dad.  I miss you.


  1. I never knew one of my grand pas or grandmas and lost my one grandpa I had when I was 10... They are so special and it is just good to remember the happy times and know they would hate to see you crying.. Chin up cherub x

  2. Hi Libby, I miss my mother every day, as if she left us yesterday! When it has been five years. I still cry ! You can have these moments, it's all we can do to hold onto the loved ones that are no longer with us. Give your gorgeous girls a big cuddle, always helps me.

  3. Oh Lib, you gorgeous girl. I know exactly where you're at. Soon it will be the 1st anniversary of my Dad's death. It's looming. And surreal at the same time. Hug your gorgeous ones close, Sweetheart. He lives on in them. J x

  4. oh libby! how hard that must be to share but i think what a wonderful place to put out those gorgeous photos. take care and i hope this sharing with us will ease some of that pain xx


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