Time Stands Still

Five years on.

Youngest KAT will reach that milestone having never met her grandpa.  She is now older than Middle KAT was in this photo with grandpa.

Oldest KAT is now a young women.  Grandpa only knew her barely out of her toddler years.

We've all aged.  Dad hasn't.  In my mind he is exactly as I last saw him.  Grey but not old.  His blue eyes as bright and his moustache as ticklish as always.

His anniversary sneaks up on me.  I think I'm fine and then I fall in a heap.

The tears are constant and salty.  The pain is physical, my throat is raw and my heart is so heavy.

Today I contemplated not wanting to see another one of these anniversaries approach.  It is harder every year when my mind thinks of all he's missed and all we've missed too.  I'm not a better person for this pain.

If it's possible I feel more vulnerable and permeable.  Why does grief sting so?  What purpose does it serve to continually return to this point. 

Twelve months of trying to live in the moment only to be back here again...back in that moment.  That moment when my world became a place where I did not want to be without him.

I have so much, but at the moment it's him I want.  Just to have him to talk to, to hug, to tell him how much I love him.

Then there's my mum.  How hard this is for her.  It breaks my heart.

These photos wouldn't meet the 'standard' that blogs should supposedly strive for.  But they capture a moment in time that I would give anything to repeat.  My parents, together....with me and with my family sharing the moment.

Those moments you don't realise are precious at the time.  Irreplaceable.

I love you dad.  I miss you.